somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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