You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
