I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I came so hard my ears popped.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
