so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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