her vagine was all disorganized.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
