Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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