I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
