I bet he comes in French.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
