If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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