When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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