Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
