Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize