Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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