Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
