I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
