New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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