Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize