I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
