If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
