it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
