i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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