Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So much rum. So many feels.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
