oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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