If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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