Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
