Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think I died a long time ago.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
