all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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