i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
