She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize