I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
