I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
