this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
