I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
