I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
