I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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