I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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