dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What drink are we having for lunch?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
