I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
