I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
