Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You work out of a Hotel?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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