if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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