the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
