Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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