There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
