And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
