Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
