he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
