I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Come on in and take your pants off
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
