At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
