I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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