i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
