I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
