Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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