As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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