My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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