Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
